i cannot be held accountable for what i say at night

Listen to this 80's throwback to make your experience more enjoyable:

I was 8-years-old when my parents realized I talked in my sleep. Merideth and I shared a room at the time and Mom was tucking Mer in for bed. I was already asleep. Tomorrow was the first day of 3rd grade and apparently I was stressed. I have no recollection of this event but my mom tells me I started rambling about being nervous and having to go to the school cafeteria if it rains but I didn't know where the school cafeteria was located. I discussed my concerns with both Mom and Mer for about 10 minutes. The next morning, Mom asked if I was still worried about finding the cafeteria and I had no idea what she was talking about.

I had frequent episodes of somniloquy growing up and it was a common complaint amongst my siblings when we had to share a room. Occasionally, they would find it amusing when they would attempt to get me to confess who my boy crushes were or other secrets they were curious about. Then make fun of me the next day. Once my older sisters left the house and I had my own room there was no longer any evidence of my syndrome.

Until I went off to college.

Thank goodness I had an amazing roommate freshman year. I had prepped her on the slight chance I might talk in my sleep if there was activity going on in the room after I had fallen asleep. She thought it was awesome and couldn't wait for the opportunity to experience this firsthand.

- This particular episode is from her perspective. I don't remember a single thing.

One night I had been asleep for maybe an hour and she was still doing laundry so we kept on one of the dimmer lights. She opened the door, walked into the room and I immediately sat up. Apparently, "Scaring the shit out of her."

"BEA! Turn off the lights our contacts glow in the dark!" I said staring right at her and pointing rapidly to the side of my head.

"Whaaaaaat?" Bea replied hesitantly.

"Trust me! Turn OFF the lights and our contacts are going to GLOW!"

"Karen, I don't think they will do that."

"Bea, will you listen to me. It will be so cool. Just TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!" (I can only imagine how freaked out she must have been)

"Karrrrreeennnn.....I think you're talking in your sleep."

Bea recalls the next moment as the most amazing: I stopped talking. Looked to the left. Looked to the right. Looked at her confused. Then laid down and went back to sleep.

I am unable to recall anything from this night. It just reminds me what a freak-a-zoid I can be. Luckily, Bea thought it was the funniest thing that happened the whole year.

Occasionally, I am able to recognize when I'm talking in my sleep. Once I realize what's going on I'll say, "Forget it, I'm talking in my sleep." The majority of the time I'm saying something illogical or some promise I can't keep. I suddenly become embarrassed and want to rectify the situation.

Naturally, I have done research on this and here are a few things I found interesting:

- Girls talk in their sleep more than boys

- Sleep talking runs in families (Dad has fallen asleep on the couch many times while I am around watching TV and he will mumble)

- About 4% of adults talk in their sleep

I also have incredibly vivid dreams. I can remember at least 2-3 dreams a night. With the large amount of severe sleeping disorders that exist I feel that I am incredibly lucky to have been burdened with occasional sleep talking and excessive dreaming. I used to keep a dream journal in high school. I'll have to search for it while at my parent's house for the holidays. I still write in journals almost every night because I find that it helps with my sleeping and releasing any stress I may have for the day. I recommend it to everyone I know who says they have trouble sleeping.

Okay, so now you all know my nighttime secret. You can make fun of me if you want. I've developed a thick skin. And then I'll just write bad things about you in my journal....

he was the popular boy, i was the girl that watched from afar

My first boyfriend was Brandon. I was ten and in the 5th grade. Brandon had golden blonde hair styled like Zach Morris circa 1990...

...and wore an Atlanta Braves windbreaker. He was the hunk of the school and all the girls wanted a chance to wear that jacket. My chance came in late-September of '94. We were both in Mrs. Miller's class and it was Movie Friday. Brandon and I were sitting next to each other and our classmate, Tiffany was to his right. Tiffany was a straight shooting, know-it-all whose blunt opinions defined her bullying technique. She drew a picture of Brandon and I on top of the Earth holding hands and she said that he and I should "go out." Me, being the epitome of awkwardness, turned bright red and said, "I will if he wants to." Then I used my attractive technique of pushing my glasses up from the tip of my nose by curling my upper lip in an "Elvis" fashion. Since NO ONE ever said "no" to Tiffany, Brandon agreed to be my beau. Back then this included picking me first for kickball teams, waiting for me by the water fountain while I used the lavatory, and letting me wear his Atlanta Braves jacket to let Challenger Elementary know who was his girl.

You all may be thinking, "Wow, Karen. That's a really specific story. You must have a super human strength memory!"

Well, THAT is true but I have another interesting tidbit for you. I found an old diary from my childhood that I am more than willing to share passages from. This is a real treat you guys. Enjoy.

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Sept. 17, 1994

Dear Diary,

Brandon picked me first in kickball today. I feel bad because I think Taylor likes him. And I don't want her to be mad at me for going out with Brandon. Maybe Taylor can go out with Dale so she can have someone to dance with at the dance tomorrow.

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Sept. 19, 1994

Dear Diary,

I told Taylor it would be okay if she danced a song with Brandon. I got to dance with Brandon a lot. We got to dance that one Madonna song I really like. I hope Taylor is not mad at me for going out with Brandon. I will ask her at school.

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Sept. 21, 1994

Dear Diary,

Stupid Grandma called when Brandon was supposed to call and now I won't know if he called. I'll tell him tomorrow. Katie and I played with the kittens today. We made up a dance to Friend Like Me and are going to record it for Star Search.

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Sept. 22, 1994

Dear Diary,

Brandon said he didn't call so I guess it was ok that Grandma called. I was wearing Brandon's jacket in the hall and Jenna asked if we were going out. I think Brandon likes Jenna. I hate Jenna she is a snob. I hope Brandon doesn't like her.

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Sept. 27, 1994

Dear Diary,

Brandon and I broke up today. He asked if I wanted to break up and I said sure. But that's okay because Jerry asked me out. I don't really like Jerry that much. He said he loves me. I will probably break up with him.

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Wow. If dating now was only that easy.

you look....different today.

Guys. Can we please talk about AMC's newest series, The Walking Dead? There are three things that scare me.

1. Tornados

2. Clown dolls

3. A zombie apocalypse

The fast growing fad of zombies is excitedly overwhelming and it's nice to have all these movies/tv shows/comic-books/board games as "How To" guides if things should ever turn from being fictional.

We are only into the second episode of The Walking Dead and I'm already hooked. Having Andrew Lincoln play the heroic police officer, Rick Grimes doesn't hurt either....

There are only 6 episodes of this comic-book adaptation. Catch it while it's hot and fresh! If you are having a "Walking Dead" viewing party I'll certainly attend....I'll bring snacks.

Things I've Learned NOT To Do In The Event Of A Zombie Apocalypse But Seemed Like a Good Idea in 2003

1. Go to the closest Wal-Mart. Sure, the endless supply of food, DVD entertainment and amazing roll back prices sounds enticing but zombies APPARENTLY return to places they used to frequent while alive. Since Wal-Mart is always crowded, even at 2am with parents and their five screams toddlers, it's only a matter of time the place is flooded with flesh cravers.

2. Use a shot gun. Noise attracts zombies. Who knew? Use an ax.

3. Make friends with animal lovers. Ugh, they will find some abandoned dog on the street, name it and give it a say in any of the final decisions for survival. The dog will run away at some point because it was smart enough to sense danger and the animal lover will want to go after it resulting in your group being left behind when the rescue helicopter comes.

4. Don't fall in love with the jerk. I know they seem romantically dangerous and the rebel is always the most attractive in almost any kind of situation but he will risk your life over his and you'll regret having slept with him. Don't be an actual Slutty Zombie Apocalypse Victim. Save it for Halloween.

5. Live in New York City. Like any major city there are pros and cons. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, living in the tri-state area would be a major con. Massive population = massive zombies. I would be super sad to see my bodega guy turn into a zombie. But I know not to get sentimental. Zombie bodega guy would not give me a free coffee. He'd give me a free bite to the brain.

Well, that's all I have to share today kiddos. OH! Except that Conan premieres tonight! Finally, a natural order has been restored.

Here is a Cranberries megahit....