i've got sass and i've got class

When I was 7 I had a friend named Sheavon. She was an only child and lived next door. Sheavon had all the latest designer toys, a plentiful stash of Bubble Yum and when the remake of Homeward Bound came out her parents bought her a kitten and named it "Sassy." She was popular amongst the 10-year-old boys and started the fashion trend of wearing Chicago Bulls jerseys with jeans.

Yes, we ALL had a friend like Sheavon growing up. While the specific details of our friend "Sheavon" vary, they all had one particular trait in common. Sheavon was a total bitch.

Sheavon was the one who decided what and where we would play. If you presented an idea she found at all boring she would roll her eyes, cross her arms and walk away. She once said that my wardrobe was that of a kindergarteners and my glasses made me look like a total dork. While these statements were accurate -

(Case in point)

- it is not proper etiquette to deliver them so crassly. So, you may ask, "Karen, why did you continue to stay friends with Sheavon after she repeatedly made fun of the lovely clothing options your mother chose for you and winning ideas for Star Search material?" The same reason we ALL stayed friends with "Sheavon."

Her material possessions.

Stop judging. You know you did it too. You're telling me that you didn't INSTANTLY befriend the mouth breathing, spike haired boy who wore shirts that read, "Your fly is open" and overused the word, "DOI!" in lunchroom conversations when he was the first one on the block to get a Super Nintendo. Told you.

Let's fast forward a bit to my 8th birthday. It had a "Ladies Who Lunch" type of theme. My dad and brother dressed in their finest suits and served After Eight thin mints to us "ladies" who were draped in our mother's Sunday best from the 80's. It was some classy fun. The friends I had invited to my soiree were very vocal with their opinions of Sheavon. If Sheavon came, they would not. I had to make a rather difficult decision as a newly turned 8-year-old and chose to not invite Sheavon as to please my less supercilious friends. My mom warned me that it was highly possible for Sheavon to find out about this party, her being the next door neighbor, and that if a problem arose I would have to solve it on my own. I quickly shoed Mom away and said there would be no problem.

Here is a photograph from the day. Sheavons house is in the background.

About 5 minutes after this picture was taken, Sheavon and her mom came out of the house and began walking across the street. I immediately began freaking out and ran inside to tell my mom the news. There was no disguising the birthday party that was obviously taking over the Bray household. Balloons and banners celebrating my birth littered the front lawn and porch.

I stood in front of my mom, pleading her to take care of this situation. She shook her head "no" and said I had to take care of it myself. Giving in to my cowardly tendencies, I stayed inside to watch my best friend, Katie, tell Sheavon that I thought she was out of town and it was a simple mistake. Katie was an amazing friend and always had my back. I owed her big for this one. After a few minutes of convincing, Sheavon and her mom went back home and the party commenced.

The next day, Mom made me go over to Sheavons to apologize for not inviting her. I hated every minute of it. I stuck with the original lie that I thought she was out of town. She could never know the truth that I maliciously took her off the guest list. She had a new vanity I wanted to play with.

If there was one thing I learned from that day it was the ability to lie directly to someone's face. A talent that has certainly proved it's value multiple times within my career choice. My 8th birthday party was nothing short of a precursor for what trials I would be faced with in adulthood.

i cannot be held accountable for what i say at night

Listen to this 80's throwback to make your experience more enjoyable:

I was 8-years-old when my parents realized I talked in my sleep. Merideth and I shared a room at the time and Mom was tucking Mer in for bed. I was already asleep. Tomorrow was the first day of 3rd grade and apparently I was stressed. I have no recollection of this event but my mom tells me I started rambling about being nervous and having to go to the school cafeteria if it rains but I didn't know where the school cafeteria was located. I discussed my concerns with both Mom and Mer for about 10 minutes. The next morning, Mom asked if I was still worried about finding the cafeteria and I had no idea what she was talking about.

I had frequent episodes of somniloquy growing up and it was a common complaint amongst my siblings when we had to share a room. Occasionally, they would find it amusing when they would attempt to get me to confess who my boy crushes were or other secrets they were curious about. Then make fun of me the next day. Once my older sisters left the house and I had my own room there was no longer any evidence of my syndrome.

Until I went off to college.

Thank goodness I had an amazing roommate freshman year. I had prepped her on the slight chance I might talk in my sleep if there was activity going on in the room after I had fallen asleep. She thought it was awesome and couldn't wait for the opportunity to experience this firsthand.

- This particular episode is from her perspective. I don't remember a single thing.

One night I had been asleep for maybe an hour and she was still doing laundry so we kept on one of the dimmer lights. She opened the door, walked into the room and I immediately sat up. Apparently, "Scaring the shit out of her."

"BEA! Turn off the lights our contacts glow in the dark!" I said staring right at her and pointing rapidly to the side of my head.

"Whaaaaaat?" Bea replied hesitantly.

"Trust me! Turn OFF the lights and our contacts are going to GLOW!"

"Karen, I don't think they will do that."

"Bea, will you listen to me. It will be so cool. Just TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!" (I can only imagine how freaked out she must have been)

"Karrrrreeennnn.....I think you're talking in your sleep."

Bea recalls the next moment as the most amazing: I stopped talking. Looked to the left. Looked to the right. Looked at her confused. Then laid down and went back to sleep.

I am unable to recall anything from this night. It just reminds me what a freak-a-zoid I can be. Luckily, Bea thought it was the funniest thing that happened the whole year.

Occasionally, I am able to recognize when I'm talking in my sleep. Once I realize what's going on I'll say, "Forget it, I'm talking in my sleep." The majority of the time I'm saying something illogical or some promise I can't keep. I suddenly become embarrassed and want to rectify the situation.

Naturally, I have done research on this and here are a few things I found interesting:

- Girls talk in their sleep more than boys

- Sleep talking runs in families (Dad has fallen asleep on the couch many times while I am around watching TV and he will mumble)

- About 4% of adults talk in their sleep

I also have incredibly vivid dreams. I can remember at least 2-3 dreams a night. With the large amount of severe sleeping disorders that exist I feel that I am incredibly lucky to have been burdened with occasional sleep talking and excessive dreaming. I used to keep a dream journal in high school. I'll have to search for it while at my parent's house for the holidays. I still write in journals almost every night because I find that it helps with my sleeping and releasing any stress I may have for the day. I recommend it to everyone I know who says they have trouble sleeping.

Okay, so now you all know my nighttime secret. You can make fun of me if you want. I've developed a thick skin. And then I'll just write bad things about you in my journal....

he was the popular boy, i was the girl that watched from afar

My first boyfriend was Brandon. I was ten and in the 5th grade. Brandon had golden blonde hair styled like Zach Morris circa 1990...

...and wore an Atlanta Braves windbreaker. He was the hunk of the school and all the girls wanted a chance to wear that jacket. My chance came in late-September of '94. We were both in Mrs. Miller's class and it was Movie Friday. Brandon and I were sitting next to each other and our classmate, Tiffany was to his right. Tiffany was a straight shooting, know-it-all whose blunt opinions defined her bullying technique. She drew a picture of Brandon and I on top of the Earth holding hands and she said that he and I should "go out." Me, being the epitome of awkwardness, turned bright red and said, "I will if he wants to." Then I used my attractive technique of pushing my glasses up from the tip of my nose by curling my upper lip in an "Elvis" fashion. Since NO ONE ever said "no" to Tiffany, Brandon agreed to be my beau. Back then this included picking me first for kickball teams, waiting for me by the water fountain while I used the lavatory, and letting me wear his Atlanta Braves jacket to let Challenger Elementary know who was his girl.

You all may be thinking, "Wow, Karen. That's a really specific story. You must have a super human strength memory!"

Well, THAT is true but I have another interesting tidbit for you. I found an old diary from my childhood that I am more than willing to share passages from. This is a real treat you guys. Enjoy.

--------------------

Sept. 17, 1994

Dear Diary,

Brandon picked me first in kickball today. I feel bad because I think Taylor likes him. And I don't want her to be mad at me for going out with Brandon. Maybe Taylor can go out with Dale so she can have someone to dance with at the dance tomorrow.

-----------------------

Sept. 19, 1994

Dear Diary,

I told Taylor it would be okay if she danced a song with Brandon. I got to dance with Brandon a lot. We got to dance that one Madonna song I really like. I hope Taylor is not mad at me for going out with Brandon. I will ask her at school.

------------------------

Sept. 21, 1994

Dear Diary,

Stupid Grandma called when Brandon was supposed to call and now I won't know if he called. I'll tell him tomorrow. Katie and I played with the kittens today. We made up a dance to Friend Like Me and are going to record it for Star Search.

------------------------

Sept. 22, 1994

Dear Diary,

Brandon said he didn't call so I guess it was ok that Grandma called. I was wearing Brandon's jacket in the hall and Jenna asked if we were going out. I think Brandon likes Jenna. I hate Jenna she is a snob. I hope Brandon doesn't like her.

-------------------------

Sept. 27, 1994

Dear Diary,

Brandon and I broke up today. He asked if I wanted to break up and I said sure. But that's okay because Jerry asked me out. I don't really like Jerry that much. He said he loves me. I will probably break up with him.

-------------------------

Wow. If dating now was only that easy.

you look....different today.

Guys. Can we please talk about AMC's newest series, The Walking Dead? There are three things that scare me.

1. Tornados

2. Clown dolls

3. A zombie apocalypse

The fast growing fad of zombies is excitedly overwhelming and it's nice to have all these movies/tv shows/comic-books/board games as "How To" guides if things should ever turn from being fictional.

We are only into the second episode of The Walking Dead and I'm already hooked. Having Andrew Lincoln play the heroic police officer, Rick Grimes doesn't hurt either....

There are only 6 episodes of this comic-book adaptation. Catch it while it's hot and fresh! If you are having a "Walking Dead" viewing party I'll certainly attend....I'll bring snacks.

Things I've Learned NOT To Do In The Event Of A Zombie Apocalypse But Seemed Like a Good Idea in 2003

1. Go to the closest Wal-Mart. Sure, the endless supply of food, DVD entertainment and amazing roll back prices sounds enticing but zombies APPARENTLY return to places they used to frequent while alive. Since Wal-Mart is always crowded, even at 2am with parents and their five screams toddlers, it's only a matter of time the place is flooded with flesh cravers.

2. Use a shot gun. Noise attracts zombies. Who knew? Use an ax.

3. Make friends with animal lovers. Ugh, they will find some abandoned dog on the street, name it and give it a say in any of the final decisions for survival. The dog will run away at some point because it was smart enough to sense danger and the animal lover will want to go after it resulting in your group being left behind when the rescue helicopter comes.

4. Don't fall in love with the jerk. I know they seem romantically dangerous and the rebel is always the most attractive in almost any kind of situation but he will risk your life over his and you'll regret having slept with him. Don't be an actual Slutty Zombie Apocalypse Victim. Save it for Halloween.

5. Live in New York City. Like any major city there are pros and cons. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, living in the tri-state area would be a major con. Massive population = massive zombies. I would be super sad to see my bodega guy turn into a zombie. But I know not to get sentimental. Zombie bodega guy would not give me a free coffee. He'd give me a free bite to the brain.

Well, that's all I have to share today kiddos. OH! Except that Conan premieres tonight! Finally, a natural order has been restored.

Here is a Cranberries megahit....

i can name that intro in....3 notes

Today I babysat two of my most favorite people in the world. Emma (11) and Carla (7). I could hang with these girls all day. They are raised in your typical Upper East Side high-rise apartment and attend an all girls private school. However, they do not possess a single quality of your typical child raised in these conditions. For Halloween Emma is going to be a goth-fairy and Carla is dressing as a nerd. I hope their parents know how awesome they are.

I know I shouldn't pick favorites....but Carla is hilarious. Things Carla said to me today:

1. "You knowwwww....after you're born.....when your vocal cord gets cut?"

Me: "You mean....umbilical cord?"

Carla: "Yeah! Thats it!"

2. "What's a vampires favorite cereal?"........"BLOOD CEREAL"

3. "I wish this sandwich didn't have the cheese in it. I really enjoy the TASTE of things."

4. "Am I driving you crazy?"

Me: "Yes."

Carla: (runs over and hugs me) "I promise I won't ask for anything else."

5. "I don't like peanut butter!"

Me: "Well, then we can't be friends anymore."

Carla: "BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE PEANUT BUTTER?!?!"

6. (Getting out of a crowded elevator) "And you all have a nice day today!"

She should have her own reality show.

Emma and I watched the season finale of Project Runway. Her knowledge of good fashion is refreshing and we were able to carry on lengthy conversations regarding the judges final decisions.

After leaving their apartment I was feeling nostalgic. So, now I share with you some intros to awesome TV shows from when I was a kid.

trip down Halloween lane

I'm babysitting tonight. In a hotel room. With no internet. And the parents aren't coming home for…..::checks clock::….ANOTHER 4 AND A HALF HOURS!?! Ohhh geezzzz, sing out Louiseeeee!!! I'm afraid that if I turn on the television the kiddos will awake from their slumber and want to watch. Which would typically be okay with me, however, as most of us know, 2-year-olds win all arguments and it would be a couple hours of Yo, Gabba Gabba. Never seen/heard of it? Here's a treat for ya….

....okay, I admit, it's catchy...

I went to Target today to buy items for my Halloween costume. I'm being "Twitter" this year. As in, the website, www.Twitter.com. I know….ADORABLE! I'll post pictures after Halloween festivities so you can see how it was done.

As I was purchasing Twitter-like products, I got to thinking….I have never purchased an actual Halloween packaged costume. Ever since I can remember all my costumes were homemade. Mom made our costumes until we were about 12 or 13. Then she said we were too old to trick-or-treat and she didn't want us to be "those kids" that act like hoodlums and run a muck around the neighborhood.

Throughout my childhood years I made the sewing easy on my mom and was either a cheerleader or 50's girl with a poodle skirt. I loved that poodle skirt. One year I got really creative and went as "Secretary Butterfly." Apparently I was very familiar with the woman's status in the insect workplace….

I became a little more inventive in college. Freshman year I had bright red hair, so I decided to go as "Daphne" from Scooby Doo. NOW, keep in mind, the manufactured "Daphne" Halloween costume had not been created yet. I made this one up all by myself. I even had a stuffed Scooby Doo doll with me for the night.

The next year I suggested to my boyfriend at the time we dress as 80's aerobics instructors. Yes. I made an 80's mix tape to put in my walkman and led the party with a routined jazzercise workout.

Another year I was a roller disco girl. At the time it seemed like a good idea but hopping in and out of bars in roller-skates is a whole lot harder than it looks. I don't know how I managed to not break an arm.

The 60's flower child is my go-to. When I have waited until the last minute to find a costume and it is 30 minutes until my friends are meeting up for Halloween festivities, I reach into my closet and pull out my vintage 60's dress. This treasure has saved me on many occasions. I then use some makeup to color a flower around my eye…throw some daises in my hair and call it a night.

Picture guide: (1) 2005 pictured with Napoleon and Pedro. (2) 2007 pictured with Bernie (3) 2008 pictured with Sarah

Last year I was a penguin. I painted my nose orange with what I thought was washable face paint. I learned the hard way that it's not a good idea to fall asleep without washing your face. If you don't you'll end up with an orange nose for 3 days.

Okay, kids, you all have a super duper Halloween. Play safe. Party hard. Be creative.

"Back off man, I'm a scientist"

I'm not feeling so stellar today. The landlord turned the heat on in my apartment a few days ago. You ask, "Karen, how is this relevant to your current state of health?" Well, the knob to the radiator is broken and that prohibits me from turning the heat down or more importantly, OFF. This creates extremely dry conditions in my bedroom resulting in cold-like symptoms and an unhappy tenant. I like to blame others for bad things that happen to me so I am sending bad vibes to my landlord for being such an idiot and neglecting to make sure my life runs smoothly.

On a positive note, I'm getting "Home Work" completed (tweaking website, updating resumes, watching You Tube, thinking of cleaning the kitchen).

Speaking of the kitchen, I was JUST in there cooking up some mediocre lunch on the stove and came back in here to check my Facebook because it had been over 10 minutes since I looked at it last. APPARENTLY, I left a Dollar Store Tupperware-like container a little too close to the burner and check what happened...

Yeah....I know.....oops. It's been that kind of week. At Dunkin' Donuts the other day I was getting a coffee and donut with the least amount of calories so as to maintain my dignity. As the guy behind the counter handed me my goodies he said, "Thank you, Sir." Nice. Very nice. I already feel like a complete lard for just stepping in here but now YOU go for the double whammy and insult my face. That was a really good donut though. I'll still come back to the double D for more.

Let's address what you're thinking.... Yes, that is The Shining playing in the background of my "Cooking Fail" picture. Another plus to "staying home sick." Did you know the baseball bat scene with Shelley and Jack took 127 takes? It's a world record for most retakes of a single scene with dialogue. Just a little trivia for you. You never know when you might be on Jeopardy.

I hope you watched the Scream Awards. Let's talk about Bill Murray. SPOILER ALERT!! If you haven't seen it and want to watch it...just don't watch the clip.

I have such a crush on him. If he asked me out I would totally go. Seriously.

Things I Like To Imagine Bill Murray Would Say To Me If We Met

1) Your controlled eye twitch is the funniest thing since Space Jam

2) The Marshmallow man was made of real marshmallows

3) I like that you chose to eat at this cheeseburger joint

4) Jurassic Park is my favorite soundtrack, too

5) Let's pick "I'm A Little Bit Country" as our next karaoke duet

6) I put little containers of Ecto-Plazm in my birthday party goodie bags

7) Your NYC Tourist video is in my "Bookmarks"

8) I'm honored you want to name your first born "Tripper Harrison"

9) I can fix your radiator with my bare hands

10) I'm sorry Scrooged scared the hell out of you as a kid, but glad you watch it once a month now.

Alright, that's all I've got. I leave you with a picture of "Snookie." The kitten I played with while I was babysitting last night. Feel free to set it as your background. You're welcome.